Ehh.. Ranty update, Ignore at willposted Dec 25th 2011, 7:11PM
Mood: Heartbroken
Music: Depeche Mode - So Cruel (U2 Cover)
So my job is working out. I got more hours over break and finished my painting commissions. I also did well for fall semester.
But ehh, my holidays haven't been great. I'm left angry and empty and feeling betrayed. I loved someone so much.. and they decided to cut me out of their lives like I was nothing at all. I take my relationships very seriously as far as faithfulness and reliability are concerned. Love is a sacred gift and should be conducted with honor and integrity. It is not only thick and thin, but consistency and care. It is finding your partner to go through life with.. to share experiences and make memories, to provide support and lean on when you need it. Your other half of a perfectly imperfect whole. For one person to have and to hold only. When you hurt, so should they. When you laugh, they are happy too. Call me an idealist, but if Love is not the greatest thing to which man can aspire, then is everyone else content with the mediocre normalcy of tepid feelings, short-lived rendezvous, and recreational sex? Where is the depth and the pureness and rawness of feelings? How can it mean anything if it's another "oh well", another "try again,try everyone"?
It makes me wonder, thinking on the phrase "Ordinariness is Painless", do people who are more consciously and intellectually aware, who understand and feel greatly and deeply- do they hurt more in Love and with loss than regular, average people? People who act and rarely consider? People who don't philosophize or dream of greater things (not necessarily in wealth or possession), they just dream? Is it more painful to be ignorant to your pain, to not understand it beyond a symptom or cause-and-effect, or is it more painful to pore over it, to learn it, know it, try to grasp it? To carry it like a wound upon your heart? To let it grow and wither in your mind until you can let it go? This seems obvious to some I guess but I don't know whether its more painful to feel things intensely or to turn a blind eye and feel nothing at all.
I brood to absorb and savor my feelings. Each one is precious to my understanding. I seek to know so much. Sadness is a reminder that in the absence you feel, you're mourning what has once been your delight. However, I also feel anger with my pain. My internal justice does not understand why the wicked go free and the righteous suffer well. Why is the person who caused me so much unhappiness, why is every person who has, happy and careless and free? They tell themselves they are kind and good; they believe their own ignorance. I am bitter, but does that mean that they are worse off because they don't see and comprehend a truer reality? Sometimes it helps to think Karma is real so that my justice can at least be satisfied in some way at some time. I was good and kind and felt only love and gentleness. That person lost that and may never find it the same way in another person. He may be deceived and hurt. He may be led astray by a traitor. I wish I didn't care, but what my mind knows my heart doesn't obey. Love is strong and constant and too forgiving. Though I am no longer a part of his life, as his former half I don't forget him. I don't go crawling back either. I don't beg. My kind of love is forever. I'm only looking for a soul mate to have until I die. ..So that when I am old and the world tries to forget me, I will have had someone. We will have made things together. Realities.
Now I'm out on the streets again, so to speak. I am hollow and frustrated and immensely disappointed. The things I built will be laid to waste and I have to start again at a later date. It's funny how you can feel so disappointed and encouraged at the same time. A part of me says "Now you get another chance", while the other laments my mistakes and my losses. I feel both like I will find the One and that I never will. Either my standards are too high or humanity has forgotten what true love is.
I want to touch the sky again. I want to feel like I can't fall. I want to have the comforting hum in the back of my skull every moment of every day that says things are okay. I want to meet my mirror; The man that will love me for my flaws and come with me to the moon and back, anywhere, as equals. Someone who needs me as much as I need him. We'll build this place up together, conquer the world side-by-side.
Lonely holidays are lonely. I hate being a bystander.
~Yokko
P.S. Don't make fun of me. Even if I'm wrong, perception is reality. I'd rather die alone looking for an honorable love than settle for a shallow, shameful tryst.
Why can't the kind of love you hear in music exist?
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